Step 1 - burn the house down with gasoline.

There is no step 2.

Now whenever you cook, no matter what you do, no matter how badly you fail, it’ll never be as bad as the time yoj caused a house fire, which resulted in several houses catching fire.

That wasn’t autotune. That’s just what older robots sound like.

Ultima Online?

burns that pile of tinder you call a home go the ground

15 years ago, was the early days of twitter, the dying days of myspace, and the point where facebook first became dominant.

You talking about one of those? Because zero chance your myspace are still up.

And facebook/twitter? Ew.

…no no no no…you’re making it even MORE complicated!!!

screams wildly into pillows

Well at least they’re showering. I was on the bus earlier today. Some of them could USE a shower thought!

The civil war was fought over slavery. We have legalized slavery baked into our constitution. We’re not fighting the civil war. We lost. Well…I guess that depends on which side of “we” you’re on.

I always say that if aliens understand all human languages, then I don’t blame them for not wanting to come here.

Now, this part is partially coincidence. It’s just when technology lined up with history, but do you know the very first human broadcast sent out into space? Adolph Hitler declairing that earth is the property of the nazi party, and all who reside on earth are nazi followers.

Now, I assume that aliens living on another planet cannot speak or understand the German language. But let’s say I’m wrong. We’re already comitting ourselves to accepting that intelligent life exists out there, and is observing our daily activity from at least the 1930s. Is it really too much of a stretch to say they also understand what they’re watching? Ok, cool. That would mean the first voice they hear is a nazi rant, from hitler, declairing humans to be intollerant of any inferior life beyond blonde hair, blue eyed german nazis.

If I’m an alien from outer space, my first thought would be “What the god damn hell man??? This guy’s a human, surrounded by other humans, and he’s so angry that other humans exist, that he’s mass slaughtering them in gas chambers. And he does this by claiming his color people are better than the other color people, even though most of them are mostly the same color! There is ZERO chance that I show up with my green skin, and 47 eyeballs, and get accepted by the humans.”

Then, as they watched our species grow, they witnessed how we percieve the concept of outer space aliens to be. The end result in every movie is “The aliens have invaded earth. The humans have used rockets to blow up and kill the aliens.”

At no point in human history has an outer space alien been depicted as someone that people would warmly embrace, and could live a comfortable life in safety. Even E.T was a movie about the alien being hunted by the government. Same thing with Rodger from American Dad.

So what logical reason would aliens have, to EVER come to earth??? We’re the ghetto of the universe. Because of humans.

Humans? I have no idea.

Man…I’m just sooooo SO pissed off at language. In the 90s, I loved calling the current decade “the 90s”. Then 2000 came, and people were like “It’s the aughts!” to which I said “NO! FUCK YOU! I HATE IT, AND YOU SHOULD BURN IN A POOL OF NAPALM FOR EVEN SUGGESTING THAT!!!”

That being said 2000-2010 and 2010-2020 don’t have a cool term for either of their respective decade names. So for 20 years I’ve been saying “OH MAN!!! I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL 2020 WHEN WE CAN END THIS MADNESS, AND CALL IT THE 20s AGAIN!!!”

Imagine my disappointment. Waiting 20 years for the year 2020 to arrive, excited to see what 2020 would bring. And then…2020 happened. Now, if you forget what happened that year, that would be a result of the covid affecting your brain, and also your psyche trying to mentally block out images of horror. It’s something that brains do when faced with intense psychological horror. Which is exactly how I would describe 2020. Imagine waiting 20 years, and THAT’S what you get.

Fuck

Earth.

My brain hurts. I’ve just spent like 3 minutes stating how the “and” isn’t something I ever heard before. Then I said how it goes all the way to 2019. Then I remembered I don’t remember anyone calling it Two Thousand Nineteen. It’s Twenty Nineteen. But 2011 is Two Thousand Elevin, but I HAVE heard Twenty Elevin. And same with 2010.

So now it becomes a matter of geolocation region preferences. Different people switched over at different times. And I am NOT about to go spend my time researching thousands of different data points of who says what and when.

screams into a pillow

It’s more like the lunatics have escaped the asylum and are now running the country.

Also there never was an asylum. I’d be fine with them being held captive of one building together, where they’re free to rule the building from within a building. Then it wouldn’t affect our lives. Who gives a shit what they do in their isolated society? It’s when they gain government that shit gets out of hand.

I’m sorry, no. The point when you find yourself relating to libertarians is the time you should really ask yourself two simple questions

1 - Am I a dumbass?

2 - Why am I trying to herd myself in with a group of dumbasses?

Soooooooo…what happens whenever X eventually dies? Does Bluesky just defederate, and say “Haha! It is I who has the most audience, therefore I who dictate the industry!”

Hot or not was a thing until friendster was a thing.

Friendster was a thing, until myspace was a thing.

Myspace was a thing until facebook was a thing.

We’ve seen this line of ups and downs before. Eventually Twitter will be replaced. And then the new thing will be around. As of right now, Bluesky is “federated”, but it REALLY feels like they don’t want to be. Drop of a hat, and they’re defederated. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t see it.

I want you to imagine signing up for a service that has extroplatratinated defubulinators. And everybody on the service is taking full advantage of it. But you haven’t signed up yet, so your defubulinator needs to be created and calibrated before you can gain anything from it. Now imagine if you had no idea what extroplatratinated defubulinators even were, and you weren’t being given any indication what they do, or how to use them. Imagine you had no idea what I was even talking about. And imagine what you would do if search engines wouldn’t help you figure it out. But here I am, ranting and raving about how much better it is for you than traditional methods. But you couldn’t find ANYONE who used it, or knew what I was talking about either.

So now you just keep living life. Never again taking what I said serious.

This is all a very convoluted system. What we should do is make it much more simple.

Take Harris, and trump. Put them in a big venue, like a football stadium, and then fill the ground level with axes and swords, and shields, and maces (the swinging spikey ball kind).

And just let them go at it until we have a victor.

Then, that victor has to solve a series of puzzles. If they can, they win.

I would also accept a revival of the 1990s version of the tv show American Gladiators. Mostly because I love that show.

the only person on the planet that believes influencers as far as I can throw them.

This phrase doesn’t work though. Unless you’re some body builder type, and can throw them really really far.

But even that doesn’t make sense either. Because if you said

“I only trust this guy 18 feet…”

the other person would say

“…18 feet? What? What does THAT mean???”

And you would say “What??? You think you can throw a man 19 feet??? Ok. Go grab him. Go. Go grab that man, and throw him 19 feet. Show me.”

At about this time I think they would just call the cops, assuming you have mental problems, and violent tendancies.

Which to be fair…yeah. You’re over here talking about how far you can pick another man up against their will, and how far you can throw them.

Although, how have we never made that an olympic event? You get a bunch of fat guys in a bar, and some body builder muscleheads, and see who wins. If the fat guy can escape, his time to escape is measured. Fastest fat guy gets the medal. Or, if he gets thrown, farthest throw distance wins the medal.

I’d watch that.

I’d accept the job, and then write the WORST assballs articles about how Mario isn’t trying to save the princess. He’s hunting her down to get more mushrooms. She’s not being kidnapped. She’s spending quality time with her husband. She’s not a princess. She works at a white castle. Which back in the 80s, still had some of the old royal castle buildings in use.

And Luigi isn’t his frightened little brother who won’t go on adventures because he’s scared. He’s just some guy who cleans and flips houses.

And Princess isn’t surrounded by her toads loyal servicemen. Those are dildos. Yes, ALL of them.

And then when they reject my work, I’d be like “Oh…then you are NOT going to like my article of pacman taking drugs and being racist…”

Great contribution to the conversation. It’s short. It’s direct. It leaves a huge amount of confusion what you’re even saying. Are you saying the industry doesn’t underpay? Are you saying the writers don’t prop up the industry? Who’s to say? Certainly not you! Because you didn’t say…

I don’t get the first one. Is the implication that she’s about to vomit on him while at the same time trying to get her boyfriend to pick a fight with another person in the distance? Meanwhile he’s rethinking while she’s with her?