My 14-year-old sister Lena has made a friend who is constantly picking on Lena for the slightest things, calling her weird, screaming at her in social situations and in athletics, saying she is useless, etc. [my sister has mobility issues and asthma as well]
Fortunately, Lena told me that she and another friend of hers stopped hanging out with the friend but the teachers still want her paired up with this girl? (No one else will hang out with Lena’s friend because her friend group is preppy and very cliquey)
The friend is also doing the classic “You can’t be friends with those girls and leave me, they don’t like you/understand you like I do. I’m the only one who will accept you.”
Yeah, I don’t really know how to help as I don’t go to her school and I’m obviously several years older than her
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I was a patient kid in school, teachers would pair me up with difficult kids and expect me to fix them without ever telling me that was their strategy. My patience wore real thin.
If the teachers are pushing for this, telling them that she’s approaching a breaking point and that this is not sustainable might help. Or it might not, teachers are only human and who knows what is going on in their heads.
She’s abusive, and may cause some lasting emotional damage.
So it’s not just my sensitive nature to think she’s more abusive than anything?
If this is accurate, “…who is constantly picking on Lena for the slightest things, calling her weird, screaming at her in social situations and in athletics, saying she is useless…” then no.
This is a good opportunity to explain to your fam that this is not okay, and what she should do to distance herself from this manipulative and abusive person.
It starts with her self esteem.
No you’ve already pointed out several glaring red flags, including trying to isolate your daughter, lying to her, etc. Her teacher should see that too but I guarantee her teacher doesn’t get paid enough to care.
She keeps saying everyone hates Lena because she acts weird too (vocal stims + tics) and that she will truly like her and that everyone else will hurt her.
I’d be really angry at her. Don’t care how old she is.
I hate to say it, but the only solution to bullying (and it’s not much of a solution) is to escalate the issue to administrators and parents. Over and over and over again, until the administration realizes that allowing these kids to be near each other is exposing the school to risk.
Sounds like the friend is absolutely “negging” your sister, trying to convince her that she’s defective and can’t expect better treatment.
Of course, you can explain this dynamic to your sister – that her friend is trying to build herself up by convincing your sister that she’s terrible. But sadly many people subjected to such behavior internalize it and are unable to fight it.
Isn’t this common with things like abusive relationships too? To trick the S/O into staying because they’re the only one who “understands”/“loves” them?
Absolutely.
This is 100% time to involve administration.
I’m not sure if you’re in a guardian position, or if it would be the parents that need to do it for it to stick. Some schools will take reports seriously no matter who it is, others won’t.
The teachers need to step off and stop sticking her with them. From the given bullying and “I’m the only one who will accept you” type behavior, she sounds manipulative and her behavior will only get worse if the teachers force them together and she can isolate your sister. If this is the only reason they hang out, I would be telling the teachers to keep her away.
You need to go to the administration or call them and tell them that this is unacceptable behavior on her part, and on the teachers part to try and force them together. Also keep in mind that they might want to gloss over it and not create a problem and “kids will just be kids.” They should not be going out of their way to create an unsafe environment for her. If necessary, you may be able to file a formal complaint to then school district. If it comes down to it you might be able to sue the family for emotional distress, but id recommend starting with the the teachers first. Call the school and ask to speak with them I guess
So, all I have is your bias story to go on, (sorry but there’s no objectivity to pull from a one sided story) but if you’re right, it sounds like this “friend” has something resembling a narcicistic personality disorder or something like it. If that’s true, it’s something to worry about. People with a condition like this tend to lure you in with kindness, force you to do stuff for them with the so called “kindness” as leverage, but at the same time destroying you by feeding negativity to you and the people around you about you, to maintain control over you by playing with you insecurities. And with “you”, I mean your sister in this case. Your sister will just be a pawn in their game to get status, attention, control, which will result in your sister getting hurt a lot and them moving on onto another victim.
But there’s a chance this is all wrong, again, I’m basing it only on your story. I don’t know if you are seeing everything which is happening clearly. Cases like this are always very difficult.
Maybe you can advice your sister not to get too dependent and attached on this “friend” and to be careful. And be there for her when it goes south. Don’t judge her, she’s a victim. Be supportive. Other than that, I doubt there’s anything you can do. It’s something which will have to play out as long as your sister isn’t ready to take her distance. It will be a hard life lesson, but a valuable one. Prep her with your insight, let her make the choice.
That’s my advice.
That makes sense. I mean, my sister has shown me messages from her and this friend, where the friend does indeed admit to doing this, but says “Yeah, well I only do this to people who deserve it” and stuff about people being useless.
Thanks so much, though :)
Wow, wtf. That’s not narcicism, a narcicist doesn’t acknowledge it. That’s rly fucked up. Wtf is wrong with that person. Get them some mental help. That’s seriously fucked up.
Yeah… I’m not sure, she seems to acknowledge the behavior but doesn’t seem to acknowledge the severity, impact, or morality of it.
Reading material about narcissistic behaviors and manipulations.
